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人类的创造力是无穷的。为了生存，人类辛勤劳动，正是因为人类勤奋的美德，人类社会才能创造出丰硕的科学技术成果。

但是，人类也是把懒发挥到极致的。因为懒得走到电视旁边换台，所以发明了遥控器；因为懒得出门觅食，所以养活了一大批外卖平台。

也正是因为人类实在太懒了，所以有人发明了物联网，发明者的灵感可能来自于某一天他实在懒得起身去关窗户，然后就一拍脑袋决定创造一个能够控制所有设备的网络。

不得不说，现在很多物联网智能设备实在是太智障了。但是，在硅谷那帮技术宅看来，这些又贵又没意义的发明才不是垃圾呢。

举例来说，前不久有人发明了“厕纸追踪器”，它的广告是这样的：还在担心坐在马桶上拉完屎发现没纸了吗？现在你再也不用担心啦，我们发明了一款手机app，替你监测厕所用纸情况。

厕纸快用完了马上就会提醒你！开不开心！（不是我说，这个问题一定要用科技手段解决吗？就不能把备用纸放在厕所里吗？或者兜里装两张纸备着能把你累死？）

抛开物联网的安全问题咱们不提，现在的智能设备真是厉害呀，都开始帮你解决你自己都没有意识到的问题了。

1. Trakz

现在很多物联网设备真的很搞笑，比如一大堆莫名其妙的追踪器，号称能够追踪这个、追踪那个。我就想问，哪来那么多需要被追踪的东西？Trakz是一家科技公司发明的宠物追踪器，说是可以帮你追踪你的宠物今天有没有吃太多。呵呵，说的好像你不在家时这个小肥狗会偷偷溜去肯德基点一份全家桶似的。

2. HidrateSpark

HidrateSpark是一款会发光智能水杯，就为了提醒你别忘了喝水。“渴了就喝水”这种常识可能已经过时了吧。

现在不是已经有很多提醒你喝水的手机app了吗？真的已经到了需要发光的水杯来提醒你喝水的程度了吗？那要不要发明一个机器手臂，在你忘记喝水的时候弹你一个脑瓜崩儿？

3. Kérastase

Kérastase这款头发管理器厉害了，它是一种配备了陀螺仪、加速计和麦克风的智能梳子，能够听到梳头时头发摩擦的声音，告诉你梳头的方法对不对。呵呵哒！梳头发的声音难道不都是“滋滋滋”？哦，可能还有“兹兹兹”这种吧。

4. Egg Minder

Egg Minder是一款鸡蛋管理器，能够监测你家冰箱里还剩几颗鸡蛋，这些鸡蛋还新不新鲜、能不能吃。哇，那不真是好棒棒！以后再也不用打开冰箱数鸡蛋了呢，也不用把鸡蛋放水里看它新不新鲜了呢！

5. i.Con

悄悄告诉你，现在已经发明出智能避孕套了哟，惊不惊喜？意不意外？刺不刺激？这款名为i.Con的智能避孕套是一种可以套在男性不可描述部位的圆环，能够评估你在不可描述行为中的表现。要……要不然，问问你女朋友？

6. We-Vibe

目前市场上能够联网的“充电的男朋友”品牌不少，例如WeVibe，但是据说问题也都不少。如果你就是追求这种有WiFi的刺激感，那就尽情去尝试吧。

7. Garageio

我能够理解，人不是全能的，总有做不了的事情，对吧。但是开个车库的门能把你累死吗？还非要发明一个智能设备来给你开门？

Garageio就是人们发明出的一款可以帮你开门的手机app，只需要在门口动一动您高贵的手指，就能把门给打开啦！

8. Amazon Dash

凭良心讲，Amazon“一键购买”智能按钮也不是毫无用处的，你要是需要买一些常用的但很重的东西，如猫粮狗粮，在家里装一个购买按钮，点一下就能下单也挺方便的。

但是我就不懂了，你就平时买点小零食，还需要在家里装一个“一键购买”按钮吗？如果你真的安装了，那可千万别被我碰到，我会连按50下这个“一键购买”按钮，教你做人。

9. Nespresso’s Prodigo

一款蓝牙连接的咖啡机，能够提醒你咖啡机里没有咖啡豆了，同时，你还能远程控制它煮咖啡，但是前提是你得保证咖啡机里有咖啡豆哦。

10. Shuttereaze

有了这款智能百叶窗，你就再也不用担心自己刷微博忘了关窗户啦！它的发明者好像是这么说的：“人生已经如此艰难，你居然还要我亲手去拉百叶窗？”

当然是选择遥控啊！我们真的很需要智能百叶窗，真的，唯美食与爱，还有智能百叶窗不可辜负。

11. Bluesmart luggage

Bluesmart是一款能联网的行李箱，能够自己称重，自己上锁，还能给你的手机充电呢。但是遗憾的是，运输安全管理局并不懂得欣赏它的价值，去年还禁止了这款智能行李箱参加消费电子展，抓着它的发明者问箱子外一大堆电线和电池算怎么回事。

12. Griffin Toaster

Griffin Toaster是一款智能面包机，售价100美元，能够根据你对面包脆度的喜好，烤出让你满意的面包。好的好的，你有钱你想怎么花我管不着。反正我这8美元的面包机也挺好使的。

13. Griffin Mirror

Griffin公司还推出了另一个棒棒的智能设备哦，一款能联网的镜子！这个镜子上能够显示手机提醒消息、天气状况，当然还能告诉你那个智能面包机里的面包烤的怎么样了。

但是你需要用手去触摸镜子才能点开提示哦。请问你让强迫症怎么办，你是要用一面满是指纹的镜子逼死他们然后继承他们的遗产吗？

14. CloudPets

现在市场上有很多智能儿童玩具，什么智能毛绒玩具啊、智能机器人啊。作为没有童年的一代，这种智能玩具真是让我怀疑人生啊。拿CloudPet这个云宠物来说吧，普通的泰迪熊有什么不好吗，你非要让它连上云？

不说别的，就问你要是云上记录的家长和孩子的信息泄露了怎么办？你就等着各种广告推销给你发信息发邮件吧。

15. Flip-flops

差点忘了这个史上最无聊的物联网设备——Flip-flop智能拖鞋。不要误会，这个产品的意义并不是监测你的运动数据然后向你报告健康状况，它只是单纯的要向你推送他们家品牌的折扣信息。真的是好方便呢（呵呵）。

英文原文

15 Idiotic Internet of Things DevicesNobody Asked For

Humans contain multitudes. We have ademonstrated ability to work hard, sweat and toil for our daily bread, and, asa society, achieve magnificent feats of science and technology. We’ve literallyreached the stars!

However, we can also be incredibly lazypieces of shit. We fight with our roommates over whose turn it is to get offthe couch and find the remote, rage at Netflix for making us press a button tokeep watching, and order Seamless instead of going outside.

That’s where theInternet of Things comes in—ready to rescue us from the horrible task of usingour atrophying muscles to close the blinds—by connecting everything to theinformation superhighway.

Unfortunately, a lot of it is totalgarbage. When it comes to Silicon Valley, there’s nothing like an expensive,overwrought solution to a problem that barely exists.

Take this recently announced toilet papertracker, for instance. Are you always getting caught out on the shitter with notoilet paper?

Never fear: A YouTuber (oh, goodie) has invented a smart toiletpaper dispenser that can sense when you’re running low and will notify you viaan app. Might we suggest a couple of non-electronic hacks, like... keep thetoilet paper in the bathroom?

Maybe just one or two spare rolls? Carry sometissues in your pocket? Christ, there are plenty of options that aren’tconnecting your toilet paper dispenser to the internet.

While the problems with internet-connecteddevices are well known—why, hello there, security problems—today, in honor ofthe toilet paper tracker, we want to celebrate the most utterly banal devicesever to have a chip slapped on them.

They solve the problems you didn’t evenknow you had—for a price, of course.

1. Trakz

There are plenty of devices that will trackthings that definitely don’t need to be tracked. Among those: a fitbit for yourfat lil’ doggo that will tell you how much your pet is eating, in case yoususpect he’s sneaking off to Shake Shack for a cheeky burger.

2. HidrateSpark

A smart water bottle that “glows to makesure that you never forget to drink your water again.” Apparently the conceptof “drinking water when you’re thirsty” is unfashionable now.

Also, there arealready apps that will remind you to drink water, which is lazy enough. Do youreally need your water bottle to glow, too? What about a little robotic arm totap you on your thick head?

3. Kérastase Hair Coach

A smart hairbrush that uses a gyroscope, anaccelerometer, and a microphone to listen to your hair to see if you’rebrushing it all wrong, you sloppy moron. Here’s what I bet mine sounds like:krrrt krrtt ssspptth.

4. Egg Minder

An egg tray for your fridge to tell you howmany eggs you have left and even how fresh the eggs are, massively supersedingthe old technology of “looking at the date on the box” or even putting them inwater. I hate this and will not comment further.

5. i.Con

Don’t forget the devices that bring theinternet right to your pants. i.Con, a “smart condom” that’s actually more likea cock ring, aims to tell men exactly how shit they are in bed. Maybe, I don’tknow, ask your girlfriend?

6. We-Vibe

There are several brands ofinternet-connected vibrators and dildos, like the WeVibe, which also containpretty serious security flaws.

Anyway, if you really want your hot and slimysexual cavities filled with huge, powerful WiFi signals, you can do that.

7. Garageio

You know those little tasks you just cannotbe arsed to do, like opening your garage door?

There’s a stupid device forthat. Garageio lets you open your garage door with your smartphone, rather thanwith the classic remote that seems to have been working fine my entire life. Iguess you could open it from work and scare the shit out of your husband, orsomething.

8. Amazon Dash

Amazon Dash buttons aren’t all bad—it makessense to order big, bulky, heavy-use items like kitty litter with the press ofa button, especially because the buttons are basically free—but some of themare just bizarre.

Who is buying enough pistachios to need a Dash button forthat? Is the burden of your pistachio habit so great that you need a specialbutton on the door of your Pistachio Cove to order a new shipment?

If I everwent to someone’s house and they had a pistachios Dash button, I would pressthat thing 50 times to teach them a lesson.

9. Nespresso’s Prodigo

A Bluetooth-connected coffee machine thatcan tell you when you’re out of their dumb little coffee pods, which youshouldn’t use anyway because they’re killing the planet.

It can also startbrewing the coffee from afar, but only if your chosen pod is already loaded,which is a real shame if you, like me, have gotta have that java.

10. Shuttereaze

This smart plantation (what the fuck?)shutter relieves you of the horrific burden of getting up to close yourshutters after a long day of blogging.

As their Kickstarter says, “This dailyroutine can become even more tedious with hard-to-reach shutters.

What you needis a way to do this remotely and even automatically. In other words, you needsmart shutters.” You NEED them, like you need air and food and love.

11. Bluesmart luggage

The Bluesmart “connected carry on” luggagepromised the ability to weigh itself, charge your phone, and lock itself.

Thatlast feature unfortunately was not all groovy with the TSA, who stopped TheNext Web writer Natt Garun on her way to CES last year and “sternly” questionedher on the bag’s exposed wiring and battery pack.

12. Griffin Toaster

A $100 Bluetooth toaster by Griffin thatcan send you a notification when your toast is done to your desired level ofcrispness. Which is fine, except toast takes like three minutes. And it’s $100.My toaster was $8 and works almost all the time.

13. Griffin Mirror

But wait! There’s more annoying shit fromGriffin, which also makes a connected mirror.

The mirror can displaynotifications from your phone, the weather, and, of course, updates from yourGriffin toaster, if you touch the mirror’s surface. Love to get my smudgyfingerprints all over my mirror just so I don’t have to look out the window.

14. CloudPets

There are many connected toys for kids onthe market, including stuffed animals and sick robots. To a childlessmillennial like me, the news that toys are now connected to the internet isutterly baffling.

What is wrong with a simple old teddy bear, I shout at thechildren on my lawn? Why does Old Ted need to talk to the cloud?

If nothingelse, the news that millions of recordings of children and their parents leakedfrom CloudPets’ database should give you pause. Kids will play with literaldirt and rocks, you fools.

15. Flip-flops

We couldn’t forget to mention an IoT devicethat is connected in perhaps the least useful way possible.

This pair offlip-flops with a chip and accompanying app doesn’t provide anythingconceivably useful like fitness tracking data, but instead sends wearersinformation about discounts. Sign me up!

What I’ve learned from this is: man,capitalism creates some truly stupid, useless shit. Also, parody is dead, andwe’re about six months from a real-life SmartPipe.

翻译：灯塔大数据